The Inner Debate: When Parts of You Can’t Agree You’re Worthy
The Self-Acceptance Series for Therapists Part 2
You know the moment.
A client comes to session full of insight. They can articulate the healthier belief: “I know I don’t have to earn love anymore.”
And then, a week later, they’re back ,overworking, apologising, people-pleasing.
It isn’t that they’ve forgotten what they learned.
It’s that another part of them didn’t agree.
When Inner Conflict Blocks Change
Within every client and every therapist lives a collection of inner voices, roles, and parts that have developed over time to keep us safe.
The adult self might fully understand that self-worth is unconditional, but the inner critic, the pleaser, or the frightened child often carry older scripts:
“If I stop striving, I’ll be rejected.”
“If I speak up, I’ll lose love.”
“If I rest, I’ll be left behind.”
These parts aren’t trying to sabotage healing. They’re protecting an outdated version of safety.
When we invite clients to embrace new beliefs, we must also invite these protective parts to the conversation.
Because self-acceptance cannot exist in exile. It requires the cooperation of the whole system.
The Internal Board Meeting
Transactional Analysis (TA) and Internal Family Systems (IFS) both offer elegant ways to map these internal conflicts.
In TA, we might see the Critical Parent voice pushing for control while the Adapted Child seeks approval. In IFS, we’d recognise protective and exiled parts each carrying emotion, belief, and purpose.
The work isn’t to silence or override these parts, but to bring them into dialogue.
When the “internal board” meets with compassion rather than conflict, integration begins.
A client who says, “Part of me wants to rest, but part of me feels guilty,” is already offering a map. Our role is to chair that meeting wisely giving each voice a chance to be heard and updated.
From Resistance to Relationship
When parts disagree, clients often experience resistance as shame: “I should know better.”
But resistance is rarely defiance , it’s relationship.
The part that says no isn’t rejecting the new belief; it’s asking for reassurance that the system won’t collapse if it lets go of an old role.
When we meet that resistance with curiosity “I wonder which part feels unsafe with this new truth?” we model an inner relational repair that mirrors secure attachment: no voice is exiled, no part is wrong.
Therapist Reflection
Which parts of you show up when a client resists self-acceptance , the fixer, the frustrated teacher, the soothing parent?
How do you recognise the shift from insight to integration ,when your client begins speaking with themselves, not at themselves?
What tone of voice do your own inner critics use, and what are they protecting you from?
The more compassion we cultivate for our own internal system, the safer clients feel exploring theirs.
Bringing It Into Practice
Next time a client says, “I know it’s not true, but I still feel it,” pause the cognitive work and turn toward the inner system.
You might ask:
“Can we check in with the part that still feels it’s true?”
“What might that part be afraid would happen if it believed otherwise?”
When parts feel seen rather than overridden, they soften.
And from that softening, self-acceptance begins to take root, not as a single belief, but as an internal alliance.
Deepen the Work
Want to deepen your skill in helping clients integrate conflicting parts and beliefs?
Join The Self-Worth Integration Series four masterclasses blending nervous system, parts, and attachment work for lasting change.
The series begins November 4th, with all sessions recorded and yours to keep.